Not many people know as I've chosen not to tell many people but il say a little about it on here. I say it's a problem but I know it's not at all. I have low self esteem, low mood depression and its not as severe as some of those who suffer. I've felt this for the past 2 years and only within the past year I've learnt to accept it.
Over the last four years I had someone in my life who made me happy,sad,angry,laugh, hate myself and just use me. When all I did was love them.
Last year was probably the final straw for us both. I tried to hard to change this person and wanted them to love me. That was all I ever wanted. Sadly it wasn't to be. I got told a few home truths about myself which I half blame my naivety and stupid infatuation over some arsehole.
In April I pretty much had it summed up to me how fat I am and "disgusting creature" This pretty much shook me to the core. I was left to feel empty. Destroyed and broken. I went down the route of emotional destruction in my head. I've never felt so hurt and lonely in all my life... But later that night thankfully a friend of mine who I haven't seen in a long time was on a Facebook doing dissertation work, I shared a status about not being able to sleep.
She replied with helpful advice and I then messages her explaining my situation and her reply made me feel a million times better then I felt about that person and I learnt what a horrible person they really are to me and other people. So I thank that girl for helping me begin my road to mending myself. You know who you are :) xx
Well a year on I'm still having good and bad days but I'm putting on my brave face and doing what I can to be happy an not allow anyone to ever make me feel the way I did again. And I cant begin to explain how happy I am this person isn't in my life anymore.
I know some of you reading this may think that's quite pathetic and ridiculous but have you ever loved someone so much you'd do anything for them? That pain your get in your chest when your turned away and unwanted? That's love. Unconditional love. The one most people suffer with.
Its not just broken hearts that cause depression and low self esteem. Sadly I lost my grandpa 2 years ago this summer when I was away travelling I've never forgiven myself for not saying goodbye to him properly. He someone I could tell anything to and he would always help me with anything I had going on in my life. He told me to live my dreams and follow my heart. I've never fully recovered from his death. I pushed away friends who I have know all my life and since school days but just didn't feel I connected with them anymore due to how I was feeling. I honestly miss you all so much and would give anything to change how things were.
At the start of this year I was feeling all this year is a new year, a new me... But suddenly I dipped back into feeling isolated, alone and just miserable. After a weekend reunited (7months on) with my gorgeous friends from university who are my friends for life. It made me feel so nostalgic and emotional about everything.
It then gave me the kick up the arse to think about me and who I am and what I want in this life. So having stated I am moving to oz next year (touch wood) I'm on a mission to ensure I'm happy for once and for all, and hopefully not feeling way I have and still do at times. I have good days and bad days but I just smile and carry on :)
Starting a new detox diet next week in drop a dress size program which lasts a month and it's all shakes and has nutritional plans to help me along. Really excited to start this and carry on with my workouts. I know this will make me feel good with a healthy mind and body. So il let you know how that goes :)
Got so many thing to look forward to over the next few months. Reunited with old friends, travel friends, nights out weekends away and potentially seeing beyonce.... OOOSH! This new bag makes me excited for this events as I know it will get used well...and a new tattoo idea see the quote.
Bye for now xxx
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